


One Day, You Will Teach Me To Let Go Of My Fears

by eren_writes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Mutual Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 21:34:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9846101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eren_writes/pseuds/eren_writes
Summary: Could anyone learn to love a monster?Eren Yeager didn't think so.Even when his childhood hero shows an interest in him, he's sure it's purely physical.Regardless of the dangers involved, nothing would stop a monster from falling in love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was kind of asked to do a follow on to another of my fics, and this is sort of it kind of.
> 
> It's a one shot with a little bit of feels.
> 
> Also, the title is from one of my favourite songs by Sleepmakeswaves. You should definitely check it out.

_ It’s so peaceful out here _ , Eren thought as he took a rare moment to pause, to reflect.  _ Almost quiet enough to forget the titans even exist _ .  

That is how his thought would have ended, had he dared enough to let it. He was too afraid to even think of such a luxury, the horrors of the monstrosities beyond the wall all too fresh in his mind. They weren’t just beyond the walls anymore, though.

It was in his blood. 

No matter what corners of the Earth he may discover and run to, it would always be in his blood - it would always be inside him, a part of him. There was no escaping that reality.

The nudging of his horse roused him from this wayward thoughts, urging him gently to move his feet. He laughed lightly, patting his mount apologetically.

“Sorry about that,” he said to the horse, then mentally questioned why he was apologizing to a horse in the first place.

Reins in hand, he guided the beast through the castle grounds and into the stables. It was his turn to muck out the stables, a fact that he was sourly reminded of as the pungent stench of horse manure greeted him promptly. At least the smell was enough to rid him of his morose thoughts, replacing them instead with the reluctant monologue of mucking out duty. 

Still, whether or not he wanted to do it was beside the point. It had to be done, and he cared too much for the Scouting Corps’ horses, and their welfare, too much to neglect a basic duty. A duty passed on to him by the Corps’ leader himself, no less. 

A man by the name of Corporal Levi. 

Thinking about him was enough to stir something inside Eren. 

Short in stature, much to Eren’s surprise, and a stickler for the rules - also to Eren’s surprise, Corporal Levi had been nothing like the childhood hero of his dreams. About the only thing Eren remained certain of was Levi’s unsurpassed prowess on the battlefield, a glorious vision he would not be forgetting in a hurry. 

Levi had saved him that time. 

Cut him free from his titan form, a magnificent vision of hope and strength combined into one. The next time Eren was likely to feel those blades slicing his flesh it would not be to save him, but to kill him.

The metal clasps clinked together as Eren shuffled the reins from his horse’s body, carefully returning each piece of equipment to its allotted space in the stables. He’d quickly learned where the bit went, where the saddle went, where the brushes were kept. He only needed scolding once or twice to get the hang of it.

Nothing was more frightening than the Corporal in a bad mood, which was difficult to decipher from his normal mood - at least, that’s what Eren thought at first. 

Then he experienced the Corporal’s bad mood. Another memory he would not forget anytime soon, albeit for very different reasons.

 

Brush in hand, Eren gently ran the bristles along his mount’s flank, who was munching merrily on his well earned, fresh bale of hay. The pair were out for long hours together, galloping across the terrain until the sun began to descend. Their bond was already solid, a necessary requisite for a war horse. 

One day, and one day soon at that, it was all too likely this steed would bound at top speed, all to deliver Eren back to the safety of the walls. He needed to know all there was to know about this creature; his limits, his temperament, his muscle strength. 

Eren needed to know when to push harder and when to relax the tension, when to kick his heels in, when to give up hope.  _ I’ll never give up _ , he thought fervently then, rejecting the notion with every fiber of his being.

_ If you can’t get me and my friends home, I’ll just take matters into my own hands _ .

Without meaning to, he stopped brushing, and was staring intently at his hand. The instinct to bite into the tender flesh there was as strong and reflexive as the need to breathe, to blink, to swallow. It was natural to him. 

“Don’t even think about it.” Corporal Levi’s tense voice snapped Eren from his reverie, startling him.

“A-Ah, Corporal, Sir!” Eren, brush in hand, gave a prompt and enthusiastic salute. 

It earned him no approval. 

Levi clicked his tongue, his top lip lifting with disdain, as if to snarl at the formality. “Enough of that. Just now, what were you thinking of doing?”

“I… I don’t really know.” Eren admitted, relaxing his body. His eyes were drawn to his hand, clutching at the brush with a slight tremor that wasn’t there a moment ago. “I wasn’t thinking anything. It’s more…”

“Instinctual? Is that what you’re trying to say?” With arms folded over his chest, Levi leaned on a wooden beam, watching him closely. 

Eren merely nodded, brows furrowed as he struggled to understand his own mind. “I think that’s it. Something inside me is telling me, urging me to do it.”

“See how far that gets you.”

The implication wasn’t lost on Eren. He shuddered in momentary fear, as if dumped in icy waters. “Not without permission, I know that, Sir.”

“Then that’s all I need to know.” Levi said. 

The conversation sounded over, and yet, Levi made no motion to move. On the contrary, he remained perfectly still, seemingly content to observe as Eren nervously resumed grooming. All the while he could feel steely eyes boring into him, as if watching, as if waiting to expose an otherwise unseen weakness. 

Seconds turned into minutes. Levi still did not move.

 

“I-Is something the matter, Sir?” Unable to withstand it, Eren paused his rhythmic brushing, staring at the chestnut brown of his steed’s fur to avoid meeting his Corporal’s unforgiving gaze. He had a feeling he knew what was to come.

The conversation he was too afraid to start, knowing that if they spoke of it - it would become real. If it became real, undeniably real, then Eren wasn’t sure his body was strong enough to bear the burden of his own heart.

“That time…” Levi began, breaking off his own words with a sigh. “...Do you regret it?”

“Oh…” Eren trailed off, grateful he had his back to Levi. He could feel the heat rising steadily over his face, gracing his cheeks with a healthy pink glow. How was he supposed to answer such a question? 

He swallowed the lump in his throat. 

His breathing shifted, stifled by the onset of his nerves. His heart beat, too, became erratic, as if forgetting its usual steady rhythm. It was the same then, too, only that time it was far worse. He feared his heart would break free from his chest it thundered so hard. And then Levi… he…

_ Don’t think of that now, Eren! _

He had to say something. The longer he let his hesitation continue, the more the air filled with tension, the deeper the notion that he did regret would be allowed to sink in. He gripped the brush in his quivering hand, focusing hard on the bristles as he struggled to order his thoughts into a coherent sentence.

“I… I don’t, Sir,” he managed to say, though his voice was barely more than a broken whisper of the truth. There was more built up behind the few words he let slip through. Too many, in fact, that speaking the least amount was all he could do to stop them flooding out of his mouth. 

_ The world is too cruel for confessions. _

“Are you sure of that?” Levi pressed, and Eren froze as he heard a single footstep. Then another, a few seconds after the first. The gap between them was closing, and Eren had nowhere to run to. This was one danger his mount could not carry him away from.

_ Danger _ ? No, that wasn’t fair. Corporal Levi was no danger. If either of them was, it was Eren. 

_ I am, after all, a  _ monster _. _

“I’m sure.” He didn’t sound it, he knew that even before he spoke. His voice wavered, buckling under the weight of his unspoken emotion. His foundations were crumbling, alongside his resolve, reduced to rubble with every step Levi took towards him. “But it would be better if…”

“If what?”

_ Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. _

“...If… if you don’t…”

“Don’t what? Spit it out, brat.”

The first warm tear rolled over his cheek. “...come closer…”

Eren’s eyes flickered to his hand, to the tender section under his thumb. The plump softness there, how it gave way to his teeth as he tore into it. The key to unlocking the monster that lay dormant inside him. He hadn’t been able to procure effective transformation for some time now, true, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. 

At any moment, he could…

Without warning, he could…

_ And it’s so peaceful here _ .

“Are you threatening me?” 

Levi’s voice was close, too close. In an instant, Eren was aware of the gentle heat radiating behind him. He could smell Levi’s scent, the masculine mixture of sweat, leather and somehow, beneath it all, the lingering remnants of soap. 

Eren’s body was rigid. 

He was too afraid to move, even his lungs were struck with paralysis, the terror inside him turning him to stone. One false move would be all it took to shatter the fragile tranquility of life at the castle. One false move and Levi’s blade would slice through his neck like butter, ending it all.

Of that Eren was without a doubt.

“I’m not, Sir. It’s not like that-” Eren attempted to put the complicated feelings inside him into words. 

Levi had not the patience to listen to his blabbering. “I’m not afraid of you.”

Perhaps Eren should have been more wary of the danger unseen, coiled and hidden in those softly spoken words. He clenched his eyes shut, fighting back the tears that stung at his eyes.

He didn’t deserve kindness. Least of all from him; his hero, his idol, his immortal God.

No, Levi was much more than any of those things. He was… _ human _ .

“I’ll ask you again. Answer me properly this time.” Levi paused, drawing in a breath, “...Do you regret it?”

Eren shook his head, slowly. “No, Sir.”

The brush dropped from his hand as Levi’s arms found their way around his waist, pulling their bodies together. It was warm, impossibly warm, being wrapped up that embrace. 

Just as his horse had nuzzled at him earlier, so too did Levi now press his cheek to Eren’s shoulder, the tips of his hair tickling at his neck. 

When was the last time Eren felt like this? He could feel himself tearing at the seams, held together only by Levi’s arms. The one man in all the world with the strength to support him - or kill him. 

“Levi…” Eren whispered, tilting his head back as fresh tears fled his eyes. It was a plea. A plea for mercy, a plea for hope, a plea for love. A plea for all the things he couldn’t dare dream to have. “I’m… I’m scared, Levi.”

The arms holding him tightened, squeezing to the point of pain. He wanted to be squeezed ever tighter, until his lungs had not the space to fill.

“I won’t tell you not to be,” Levi said, “You should be afraid. But you should be afraid of the right things, not the wrong ones. Else it’s pointless, a waste of energy.”

“I-I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Then don’t.” 

With that, Levi coaxed Eren to face him, their bodies still pressed closely together. 

He made it sound easy to cast off his fears like feathers in the wind. Instead, he was weighted down by them, unable to lift from the ground and be free. He was bound by his fear, bound by the monstrous blood that coursed through his cursed veins. 

“I can’t-” Eren’s words were plucked from his lips by Levi, silenced, stolen and swallowed. His lips pressed to Eren’s, a hand circling to the back of his neck to pull him down. 

The salty taste of his tears mingled into the kiss, and as more came tumbling down, Levi endeavoured only to kiss him more deeply.

It wasn’t their first kiss. 

That was a few nights ago and Eren’s first, no less. It was a clumsy and embarrassing affair, borne of a need for comfort and closeness. Eren had been crying then, too, though Levi soon healed that sorrow. 

Now it was happening again, Levi’s lips nipping at his own before drawing him back into something deeper, something that stirred the depths of his soul - made him believe he still had one. It erased his fear of the monster residing within himself, somehow soothed the rage and sadness that stormed without cease in his heart.

Still, in the back of his mind, he feared hurting him. 

He feared hurting him, and of being hurt.

“Corporal…!” Eren managed, voice raising with alarm as he felt the swipe of a tongue along his bottom lip. 

“Tch, I’ve told you before. Drop the formalities.” Levi grumbled with annoyance, breaking off their kiss. “...Let’s do this somewhere else. It stinks of shit in here.” 

Eren hesitated, his cheeks still moist from the onset of his tears. Though they were effectively gone, whisked away by the tenderness of Levi’s kiss, he still felt the remnants of his battered emotions lingering on. 

“Is it really okay to do this kind of thing…?” He asked, slowly following as Levi lead them out of the stables. 

“If you’d rather we didn’t, say so.”

“I-I do want to!” Eren spoke a little too hastily, berating himself internally for such an honest reply. “I just… I…”

“If you tell me you’re scared to hurt me,” Levi rounded on him, cold steel clashing with skies of gold, “You won’t. I won’t let you.”

“Because you’ll… kill me.” Eren murmured, afraid of the words as much as he was their meaning. 

Levi nodded. “If that is what it comes to. Don’t think for a second that I want that to happen. I’ve been ordered to protect you first and foremost, and that is exactly what I will do. Whatever the cost.”

The sun dipped beneath the horizon, giving way to the endless depths of the night sky. Looking up at it, Eren couldn’t help but wonder if the ocean would look anything like that; in the books Armin showed them as children, kept hidden for fear of heresy, Eren had read descriptions of the ocean. 

It stretched for miles, as far as the eye could see, and was laced with salt - more salt than the merchants could ever hope to harness. 

It was blue, and shimmered beneath the light of the sun, perhaps just as the stars twinkled in the sky. Maybe it looked like that. 

One day, he would know the answer.

“Here will do.” Levi announced, and no sooner had he spoken than Eren found himself with his back pressed to a tree. They were at the opening to a cluster of trees, not quite enough to call a forest, just enough to offer the illusion of solitude. 

He questioned it not, his mind fading to nothingness as once more Levi pressed their lips together. Slightly more prepared this time, Eren bent forward, entangling his fingers into Levi’s hair as he allowed himself to be swept away on the current of their intimacy.

He still didn’t think this was safe. Even so, out of the entire Survey Corps, and more specifically, the Levi Squad itself, none other was more capable of handling him than Levi himself. 

It was with that tenuous thought that Eren let it happen, if only to give himself a moment of respite. To forget he was a monster, that he wasn’t human. To believe he was, on some level,  _ loved _ .

Did Levi act out of love? 

Eren wasn’t so sure. 

It was a means to an end, he surmised. Their lives didn’t permit for meaningful connections, and it was futile to become attached. It was skin deep only, that much had to be for certain, if fortified by the sudden grinding of Levi’s hips against his own.

Eren let out a sound of surprise, the opportunity of his open mouth taken by Levi.

His tongue escaped his own mouth, favoring Eren’s instead as it explored him, delving deeper and deeper until Eren couldn’t help but moan. He was helpless to it, his hips bucking forward to meet Levi’s in kind. Each pulse sent a dull wave of pleasure through him, heightening his arousal.

He was already painfully hard, and Levi’s forward ministrations stoked his passion to new heights. 

“We won’t have much time before they come looking, so we better be quick.” Levi pulled back, breaking their kiss long enough for  his fingers to make short work of Eren’s buckle. They were both a little breathless, Eren’s breathing ragged as he leaned back against the tree, his hips jutting lewdly forward, his arousal evident through the cotton material.

“Not that I think you’ll have a problem with that.”

Eren’s protest died in his throat as Levi unlaced his breeches, tugging them off his hips far enough to expose his cock. The cold, night air bit at his heated flesh, making him squirm uncomfortably. “Cold...” 

“Don’t state the obvious.” Levi barked, unimpressed. Unceremoniously, he did away with his own breeches, bringing his hips dangerously close to Eren’s. “Are you still sure?” He asked.

Eren nodded, too afraid of his voice breaking to say it outloud. He locked eyes with Levi, blushing as he saw the thinly veiled lust in the depths of his normally stoic gaze. Was he stirring Levi up the same way? 

_ There’s no way. This is nothing more than physical. He’d never look at me like that. _

_ But I want him to. _

“Ah…” Eren sighed pleasurably as Levi wrapped his hand around his cock, stroking it gently from base to tip. It felt so different to his own hand. 

Eren rarely masturbated. 

Life in the barracks didn’t exactly allow for it, nor had he the desire to do it. Fighting for his life everyday effectively terminated the last of his libido. At least, that was before he met the Corporal, before coming out here to the old headquarters, to a place where it seemed not even the titans could encroach.

It didn’t take long for the fantasies to start, deep into the night as he lay alone in the basement with nothing but a thin hay mattress and his own hand for comfort. 

Then, somehow, Corporal Levi was no longer just in his late night dreams.

He was here, pressed against him, the warmth of his palm caressing him. 

“Touch mine, too, you lazy bastard.” Levi scolded, guiding Eren’s willing hand to his own waist. Though Eren was shy of it, he was also eager. He curled his fingers around Levi’s cock, fascinated as it twitched in his palm. 

He did as Levi did, quietly copying his ministrations and matching his steady rhythm.

“It feels good.” Eren panted, eyes fixated as their hands worked on each other, stroking steadily back and forth. He was biting into his lip as Levi gave his cock a squeeze, right beneath the flare of the tip. 

“Of course it does,” Levi retorted, though his own voice betrayed how he was feeling. It was low, slightly raspy, a grunt escaping him as Eren tightened his grip momentarily on his cock. “You bastard.”

Eren smirked, emboldened. He was forgetting himself as adrenaline and arousal mixed together and took over. “Sorry.”

“Tch.”

“Hey, Levi?” Eren said, wrapping his free arm around his shoulders. Levi leaned in, resting his forehead to Eren’s shoulder, the pace of their hands quickening. “Thank you.” Eren whispered.

Whether Levi heard him or not, he couldn’t be sure. It made the sentiment of his words carry no less meaning even if they did go unheard.

Closing his eyes and ignoring the scratch of bark at his back, Eren gave himself over to sensation. He left behind his confusing thoughts, of the past and of the future, of what may come and what had already passed. 

He lived in a singular fragment of time, where only he and Levi could exist, perpetually as they were now, as they had been a few nights before.

“Nhn…” Eren caught his moan between his lips, his fingers gripping frantically at Levi’s shirt. He was struck with the urge to tear it from him completely, to have their naked bodies collide, slick with sweat and hearts beating wildly in tandem. 

He wanted to see Levi come undone underneath him, above him, whichever - it didn’t matter, so long as it was him.

His hips tingled warmly, the ticklish feeling of pleasured arousal spiralling up his body. 

Was Levi feeling the same? Could he feel it, just as strongly as Eren?

He couldn’t know for sure. 

Levi’s forehead was leaning hard into his shoulder, the unsteady, gasping breaths warming his chest through his shirt. Levi’s spare hand was gripping his shoulder, mirroring Eren’s own frantic grip.

“L-Levi…”

“...Eren…”

“Close… I’m… Close…” Eren groaned, his hips pulsing forward to meet Levi’s hand, unable to control himself any longer. He was unravelling faster with every stroke, his cock dripping as his release built up within him. “Levi…!”

“You’re being too noisy.” Levi’s hand stilled, to Eren’s utter dismay. Instead it clasped the hem of his shirt, lifting it up and forcing the fabric into his mouth, muffling him. “There.”

Eren’s saliva soaked steadily into the cotton, warm and wet between his teeth. Though the air around them was cold, Eren felt nothing but an intense heat, his skin prickling even where it was naked to the elements. 

He thought not of the bark scratching at his back, nor the awkward angle his muscles contorted at in their eager bid to meet Levi’s hand now that it was back around him. He could fathom nothing beyond that singular motion and the feeling it stirred up within him.

His whimpers muffled into his own damp shirt came one after another, his body writhing and rippling as Levi coaxed his orgasm steadily from him. His pleasure only heightened when Levi gently caressed his tip, coating his fingers in the droplets of precum collecting there, and used it to ease the path of his palm back down Eren’s shaft.

Sparks of light, brighter than the stars above, burst behind Eren’s closed lids, a long and guttural moan tearing from his lips. He almost let go of the shirt muffling his lewd sounds, clenching his teeth tighter still to try and contain his pleasure.

He needed to release. He ached for it, his body crying out as it danced on the verge of oblivion. Yet as it crept up over him, he felt himself hold it back. 

The one thread of sanity that anchored him down, he held fast onto it, regardless of how desperately his body craved for him not to. Something inside was stopping him, enough to frustrate him to tears, his nails digging into Levi’s shoulder as he wrestled with himself. 

“It’s okay,” Levi whispered, sensing the torment Eren found himself trapped inside. “Let go.”

“I… I can’t…” Eren whined helplessly, afraid. He couldn’t afford to give himself over. If he lost all control,  then he might… he might…

“Look at me, then.” Levi prompted, lifting his head, exposing his flushed cheeks and lust laden eyes - eyes that pulled Eren in. “Hold onto me. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

“Hng...Levi…-”

“Do it. That’s an order.”

Eren’s knuckles turned white with the force of his grip on Levi’s shoulder, his vision blurring but somehow still keeping Levi’s image firmly in his view. He held it steady there as he came, a low whimper leaving his lips as he gave himself over to it, undone by his Corporal’s words, as ever he was.

For a precious few seconds, Eren was no longer trapped within himself. 

He wasn’t Eren Yeager. He wasn’t Humanity’s Hope. He wasn’t a monster.

He wasn’t anyone or anything, and for those seconds, it was pure bliss. 

Levi held him fast through it all, slowly easing the pace of his hand until the last drop was spilt. 

Breathlessly, Eren leaned back against the tree, exhausted. 

“You’re not finished yet, brat.” Levi chided, letting go of Eren’s cock in favor of his own. He placed his palm over Eren’s hand, puppeting his hand to stroke his own cock.

He directed the strokes to be quick and shallow, focusing around his tip and dragging the excess skin across his tip. Eren listened intently to the sound of his labored breathing, committing everything he could to memory for later on. 

He wanted to memorize the sensation of Levi’s heat against his fingers, how the flesh twitched and his hips bucked the closer to release he became. 

With a low grunt from deep in his throat, it was over.

_ He came, too… _

Eren gazed at the lashings of white strewn up his rippling torso, the sticky warmth an odd comfort to him.  _ This is Levi’s…  _

“Is that better?” Levi asked, drawing back. He was examining his hand, the mess of white fluid that webbed between his fingers. “You sure are pent up, or do you always come this much?”

Eren made a noise of protest, his shirt still hooked into his mouth. 

“You came a lot, too.”

Without really meaning to, Eren dipped his own fingers into the fluid coating his stomach, toying with it between his fingers. 

“That’s disgusting.” He watched as Levi produced a cloth from his pocket, wiping hastily at his hand before fixing up his clothes. 

He tossed the cloth to Eren. “Clean yourself up.”

“I wish we could stay like this… Forever.” Eren murmured, voice distant and hazy. He tucked his shirt beneath his chin, wiping at his stomach. He felt guilty to soil his Corporal’s handkerchief in such a manner, then again - it was his come he was wiping off. 

“Wouldn’t that be nice.” Levi sighed. “Come on, we need to get back.”

When he was ready to move, Eren followed Levi back to the castle. His body still tingled with the afterglow of his orgasm, though the feeling was ebbing away with every step they took. 

Eren didn’t want to go back. 

He knew what he must do, and stealing moments away with Levi only served to reinforce his determination to succeed. It reminded him of what he was fighting for, of what he was prepared to sacrifice to achieve that goal. 

Though it was too dangerous to say out loud, he’d found an odd sense of love in Levi. Not the love he felt for his parents, or for Mikasa, or for Armin. Nor was it the same love he felt for seeing the ocean,or for breaking free from the cage humanity were imprisoned in. It was different to any kind of love he’d known before.

And it was a love that made him feel  _ human _ .

And that was a love worth fighting for. 


End file.
